Dear magic
I just have some thoughts and feelings that I want to release, please bear with gloomy Jar for a bit.
I want to write an indirect letter to some people. One is someone who I thought was a friend yet, kept disappointing me, the other is a figure I once look up to but too, disappointing. I guess my judgement in people really sucked. The more I think about it, the more I feel that it isn't worth it. But here's me and my 'angels' screaming in my face that I care but, I do feel that none of the situations involved, evolved and/or happened is my fault and the fact is, it isn't my fault, so why am I involved?
To unknown personnel(s)
Things happened for a reason and that reason is what oneself needs to find out. Not go around involving others into your pile of crap but dealing with the actual crap yourself. If you feel that you are not the reason of why things happen, then you probably should ask yourself why are you involved.
Be it a relationship with someone, an addiction or being just desperate and lonely; if it is a personal issue, deal with it by yourself or talk to someone about it, not go around making the problem bigger just because you want to know what they will do on your behalf. It is not fair for others to be included in your nonsense and if you realized that it is indeed your fault causing a bigger issue, own up to it WILLINGLY, not act like someone forced you to do so.
There is a clear difference between irritation and being offended. Just putting it out there.
Also, it is common etiquette to not direct feelings meant for another onto someone else. For e.g. if I am upset that my pet dog pooped in my favorite shoes, I shouldn't redirect my upset onto my mum. This is pretty elementary if you ask me, in relationship there is something called a rebound and it is not right(ish), which also means that the affection you have for person A should not be why you date person B just because person A turned you down for whatever reason. If that is really the case, then you should reason with whomever why person A turn you down and not going around ranting about person B to person CDE, about person C to person BDE, so on and so forth.
It is really weird that I need to spoon-feed this really common knowledge kind of logic to people older than me. It is also the same common sense as when you owe someone money, it is only in your best courtesy to pay the person back. It is already bad enough that the lender have to open their mouth to ask for the money back and yet, people is still thick-skinned enough to give excuses upon excuses to delay paying the money back. Why guys, why? I feel quite distraught that people have to reinforce such common sense time and again and yet, the information does not process in their heads.
Due to experience and my speechlessness, I realized how petty I can be. Salty, in Singaporean slang. There is a lot I want to say to the unknown personnel(s) directly and privately but, it is becoming clearer and clearer that none of them is worth it, no matter how much they did for me. It's not that I am unappreciative or ungrateful to what they have done, but because the same feelings does not seemed to reciprocate. I thought we were close but when something happen, they didn't even hesitate before throwing me into the fire. For one, I am the least important link and the other, I am just a connection. Plus honestly speaking from the core of my heart, I already turned a blind eye to many circumstances and situations.
Lastly, I just want to say, mentally I am exhausted trying to keep up with the 'even if the sky falls, I will still be able to shoulder' profile. Physically... I am always physically tired, no surprises there. Why is Jar always the first to be sacrificed? Why do I always get forced to be 'the bad guy'?
Sincerely, Jar
Honestly, I just want to speak my mind to all these 'unknown personnel(s)' but realizing that I am making the first move to speak my mind, would already meant that I gave in. But I am not so immature to leave things at a hold, at the same time, it seems immature to keep up with the 'silent war'. Very contradicting and much conflicting. Mainly I am just confused to what I should do to 1. not look like the 'bad guy' based on what I choose to do and 2. to be the better person when emphasizing that I am the not the rebound of their negative feelings.
