When I was younger, my parents used to praise and compliment me when I did something good and scold or beat me when I did something bad. So when I grew up, I often feel disappointed that when I did something for someone or do as they ask, they did not compliment or praise me, but when I do not do as told, I still got punished respectively.
You know when I stopped crying, I thought I was getting better. However, that might not be the case when I figured, I could not get out of bed anymore and I can't sleep nor wake up. My fingers tremble even without the (prescribed) drugs I use to take, and I am trying too hard to not have suicidal thoughts. I thought I was getting better because my abdominal area does not hurt as much anymore, but I guess not. Maybe it is just due to one illness overpowering another.
I am trying not to say that I am depress anymore, and to do that I let go of things and people, telling myself if they want to come back, they will if fate allows. I use substitute words like 'sad', 'upset', 'conflicted', 'confused', etc. I see different people and try to understand how they look at themselves. I talk to people about 'what ifs' and scenario based questions and try to understand how they would stand in different positions.
I recently caught up with C, and talked to her. I did not really explain anything about myself and she said that it was fine as she knows that if I really wanted to rant or say anything, I will, be it to her or anybody else. C also mentioned that she understands that when people tends to be at their lowest, talking or any form of people interaction its their least concern and last priority. I agreed, for the simple fact that if I want to tell someone about something I will. Willingly, when the time is right.
But that is not the point. I am not trying to blame anyone or pinpoint/indirect anybody and least of all, I am definitely not trying to worry anybody or tell them to feel the way I feel and/or felt or even understand it, because don't.
I remember asking C what was it like to lose someone important. Her response was not what I expected but truthful enough, "oh, I lost too many people to feel any indifferent about each one that leaves, I mean it hurts then but slowly (I) got better". Then I told her, "But each person to each one of us means differently, it will hurt differently because of how close each one of them is to us individually". She agreed.
I've lost many people in my life as well; Best Friends, close friends, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, family even myself. However the worst, isn't losing a person, it is losing a true heart, a belief, a dream and/or a wish.
'I'm sorry', it is simple enough, so why don't people say it? So why don't I say it? This enlightenment also comes from C; if someone want to apologise, they should do it willingly and not because of reasons like long-term relationship, etc. Nobody should expect or request it when the other party isn't ready. They will say it when the time is right and when they are ready. At least I am writing it here to tell myself that. They should do it only when they want to, willingly, and when they truly feel as the words meant.
And I do, yet I cannot say it still. I guess I shall be considerate for the last time.
Also most, or rather all, of the things I post here (on my blog) are what I try to tell myself or just throw it out there to rant like a diary and a self-motivational book. Just treat it as I found a tree hole to bear and bury my thoughts, feelings and myself. Be it positives or negatives.
I do realised that when I say I 'push' people away from me, I don't actually push (maybe I'm wrong). It's more of, me pulling myself away from people, putting a distance between us.
I am working on myself now, not doing anything else, not because I'm depress or lazy, and definitely not asking for sympathy (though it does not hurt to have a bit of TLC and love). No reason. I am working on myself, so that when people I lost comes back whether they want or do not, a better me will invite them (with open arms) without them having to feel negatively because of me (if they do).
I'm sorry to myself; the 5ams, the 2pms, the lost interests, the lost dream and ambition, my friends, my lover. Myself.
Thank you
C for coming out with me time after time and just being there.
S for being concern and worried for me and trying to ask me out for ice creams.
A for enduring everything and all that I am till now and for everything else.
XOXO. But I really love sparkles and fairy lights.
