Dear Magic,
"There are chords in the hearts of the most reckless that cannot be touched without emotions." - Edgar Allen Poe
And I am distracted by the cute gif of my rain cloud. But mind you, my rain clouds are neither cute nor little.
When I am depressed, it felt like time stopped for me. Like I stopped dead in my tracks and yet, the world just keeps on going. Like it does not have a care and of course, I am just a small fry in an ocean of unknowns.
“我珍愛的人，我遠遠的看過他一眼。他在遠方，還在光芒的中央，那麼耀眼，那麼完整。可在我不知道的地方，他被打碎過。我更不知道，他在深夜裡，是怎樣的痛過，又是怎樣將自己，一片一片地找回來，拼成完整的耀眼的樣子。現在我走近了，終於看到了他滿身的裂痕。” - 以家人之名，李尖尖。
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Translate: " The person I cherish, I have seen him from a distance. He is far away, still shining brightly in the center, so dazzling, so complete. But in places I didn't know, he was broken. I don't even know how much he suffered in the middle of the night, how much pain he went through, and how he pick himself up piece by piece and put it together presenting the complete and dazzling appearance I know him for. Now I got closer and finally saw the cracks all over his body."
I know everybody have their own responsibilities, troubles and stress stimulants that can or cannot be avoided, similarly I have my own. But to be constantly understanding and accepting everybody's circumstances, I really need to voice out that that is very very exhausting. As much as I dislike being tied down, I'm being tied down by a lot of things and I guess that is why I have habits of pushing people away and thinking that everything that can be built or was built is just another 'delete' button away.
But I am also very conflicted. It is the people whom are closer, that is weighing on me. The reasons I want them to leave my life, are the same exact reasons why they are close to my heart.
Conflicted; because as much as I want to push everybody far away, I wanted people to notice my pain and suffering when I cry myself to sleep night after night.
Conflicted, conflicted, conflicted.
I never thought that one day I'd be such an ironic person. One minute appreciating the fact that there are people treating me as a priority in their lives and the next minute, feeling depressed as the treatment is too much for me to handle. It is not that I am ungrateful, like I said I appreciates it, really however, when you see that they could have placed someone more deserving of that 'position' yet, you are throned there. And that is not all. When I am 'throned' that high up, I can see, that though there are others thirsting for my place, the treatment was the same, so why classify?
"With great power comes with great responsibilities" is it not?
A recent fight with a loved one made me realised that I have been suppressing a lot of myself, and that the people who thought they knew me, even the close ones, could not have. For I myself did not know me, what an ugly inside I have. I am someone who tries to be understanding and accepting yet, holds an unjust feeling in herself. I do not want to be understanding and just accepts every possible and choice-less reasons, logical and cannot be helped, yes I know but I do not want to accept. I often say things to be understanding and go with flow but, what I really want, even till the end it slips my mind because I am being understanding. I am really selfish and honestly, even after all of these comes out of me, at the end of the day, I am still going to continue my act of being understanding. It is just to get it out of my system.
Someone once told me that it only takes 14 days to build a habit, but it may just takes 1 day to break it. I've been acting on values and virtues that I thought people who love me for, for longer than I remember and yet, one feeling of unjust, unfairness tipped my long-built empire to ashes. Depression is an old friend, relapse is also not that serious of an issue to me anymore, but the fallen kingdom conflicting between my beliefs, values, virtues and myself are innerly devastating.
How can I learn to smile again?
Conflicted; because as much as I want to push everybody far away, I wanted people to notice my pain and suffering when I cry myself to sleep night after night.
Conflicted, conflicted, conflicted.
I never thought that one day I'd be such an ironic person. One minute appreciating the fact that there are people treating me as a priority in their lives and the next minute, feeling depressed as the treatment is too much for me to handle. It is not that I am ungrateful, like I said I appreciates it, really however, when you see that they could have placed someone more deserving of that 'position' yet, you are throned there. And that is not all. When I am 'throned' that high up, I can see, that though there are others thirsting for my place, the treatment was the same, so why classify?
"With great power comes with great responsibilities" is it not?
A recent fight with a loved one made me realised that I have been suppressing a lot of myself, and that the people who thought they knew me, even the close ones, could not have. For I myself did not know me, what an ugly inside I have. I am someone who tries to be understanding and accepting yet, holds an unjust feeling in herself. I do not want to be understanding and just accepts every possible and choice-less reasons, logical and cannot be helped, yes I know but I do not want to accept. I often say things to be understanding and go with flow but, what I really want, even till the end it slips my mind because I am being understanding. I am really selfish and honestly, even after all of these comes out of me, at the end of the day, I am still going to continue my act of being understanding. It is just to get it out of my system.
Someone once told me that it only takes 14 days to build a habit, but it may just takes 1 day to break it. I've been acting on values and virtues that I thought people who love me for, for longer than I remember and yet, one feeling of unjust, unfairness tipped my long-built empire to ashes. Depression is an old friend, relapse is also not that serious of an issue to me anymore, but the fallen kingdom conflicting between my beliefs, values, virtues and myself are innerly devastating.
How can I learn to smile again?
