Dear Magic,
Hi.
It's been way too long. Many things changed but there are also things that did not, like my 3am night skies and the blue butterflies on my closet. There are some things I wanted to get it out of my systems and I could not find a way how, so like I often do, I write it out and here's me writing.
An average person with good health can hold their breath under water for approximately 30seconds to 2minutes and it takes about 10minutes without oxygen in somebody's body for that person to be declared braindead. But I felt like I've been breathing underwater for years and years. Other than it being surreal, was my fantasy of being special, not just unique, but special. That life was not just about being a mermaid or gaining supernatural powers of being able to breathe under water, but the fact that it submerged the idea and thought that I could be drowning myself thinking it was bliss and happiness. I am starting to see myself for who I really am, not that I don't get daily reminders not to be her.
It is that harsh collision when something that meant that importantly to yourself, caused ripples to waves refracting the very reflection under the water surface, making it looks like in hand euphoria instead of a pandemonium in your heart. However, this is just a wake up call:
That very hole you created in your heart, has always been there.
It is still the same; dark and razing everything that seems to be of glee. I tried controlling it yet, the tiniest of things sparks it off. Every thing is messy and confusing and I know exactly what the problem is, but I am too stubborn and headstrong to even let it be solved. I preferred to act as if the explosion at the walls of the dams never happened, though everyone else including myself can't accept it to be so. There is a lot of distraught and anxiety and it is looking at 2 selves fighting against one another. Still I will not let it slip, I would be too selfish otherwise, and instead I let the water run over my head, drowning others while I breathe under. I know it is my fault causing people I care/cared about worry and feel distress about it. Someone I love thought that it is because I am not happy and blamed his incapabilities. Someone I know thought that it was because of something she said. Whether or not I agree, they are doubting themselves already, they are in the water that the explosion let out. They may or may to drown, it is their resolve but if the explosion did not happen, I will be drowning, in air.
It is egoistic both ways and I chose to run away. Me breathing underwater was just a bubble I created for myself for the mess that I caused and I popped everybody else's, so I can run away. How 'honourable'.
There is 2 sides (not a typo) of me wanting to come out at the same time; a refracted, a reflected and there's me. It is very chaotic, irrational, illogical and overall, I am just very very confused. Especially when all their feelings overwhelms me, leaving me no plan B or an escape route; a dissonance in myself.
Magic,
many things happened after you left. Everybody still misses you especially your dear parents. Things may not have been well for them but they are working hard. And to conclude this, what's wrong is just basically, I'm over my head thinking I can breathe under water.
Love, Jar.
