This time I am really speechless. The thoughts, rants and loud reasonings in my head just does not exit my mind any easier than me trying to squeeze it out now. Even with countless nights and many philosophical logic, the possible conclusion I had came up with is that I no longer could say everything I had been through with just anybody. And there are things I just wanted to get it out of my system, so it doesn't really matter whom I tell it to.
These days I tend to know myself a little better; my virtues, my goals, what I want and stuff. There are still many I have yet to uncover.
Firstly, my virtues. Well, I can honestly say patience is not one. My patience to an average human (aka strangers) and acquaintances is a maximum 0-3 which also means, if I disliked any actions/thing, it immediately will trigger me. For people I dislike, naturally is a -5, on brighter days maybe a 0. Everything they do triggers me. Yes, I am easily triggered and yes, I am high maintenance. Close friends and family, it is between a 15-25, and that is the maximum I tolerates. So, patience is not my virtue.
Honesty. To me, lying is not a huge ass deal, I mean I lie too. Everybody does at one point of their lives; be it white lies, for good or for bad. But when given a chance to say the truth at critical times, one should.
For the fact that I have acknowledged myself as a female, I am very very very super critically sensitive and emotional and more so attention seeking wise. *Damn, finally got it out* My hormones run my emotions like a drastic roller coaster ride 24/7 and the mood graphs usually have no stagnant or visible pattern to conclude. yes, it is THAT bad. As a female, no matter in which mood, I really hate when people invade us with logic, logical facts and answers to our existence. Like I know facts and these logic but I am a female, and I have my own reasons for acting like this, and even if our reasons seems illogical compared to the real facts, I still think I am correct. And henceforth, the phrase 'females is always right' is born.
Relationships, yeah let's talk about these. Family, friends and people.
Everybody have a natural schema about everything, be it their friends, family or things like example, a refrigerator or a microwave. What is a schema? It is a structural organizational or a pattern of something, aka what that role does that thing/person plays according to you, aka your point of view of the role they play on a particular thing or person. For example, to some people step mothers are evil, to some step mothers are no different than normal mothers, these are schema.
To me, my schema about families are that they do not have a choice but to accept you as a family, whether they love you, is optional not mandatory. Respect, is similar.
Schema about friends; they are no different than that of a stranger, except that you know their name and a little more about them, enough to say hi, smile and bye to. Schema of a close friend; able to talk to, knows things about you, is there when you need them, know them for some time. Schema of a best friend; people that knows most to everything about you, from the darkest times to the brightest, there for you when you needed them, make time for you even when they are awfully packed and booked, have your back no matter who it is, people you can let down your mask in front of, people that you know strongly that will be there emotionally, physically and mentally.
My schema about adults is a bit like how a child that used to believe in Santa Claus feels. To me, adults bring disappointments, misery and every other negative thing that I thought being an adult would grow out of. But adults are people too, just grown ones, they like us, children did not receive a manual on how to act, behave like an adult. Just because they lived longer than us, we, I thought they are like superheros (you know, being legal and stuff), they can drive, can drink, can come home late. But honestly, i now feel they are as clueless as they are about life, as we are and they were now. Just with a little more life experience in dealing with crap so is upgraded to dealing with higher level of crap.
But at the end of the day, these are nothing but labels to someone who doesn't care or shares the same opinion as me. It is also a mutual kind of thing; for example you cannot expect someone that does not believe in distance to be someone's close or best friend when clearly, the other party does. A schema of a role can change, but there are things that can't and won't.
Similarly, a person can change according to his or her own experiences and what he or she encounters. Never think you know a person too much, for all you know, you do not know her one bit.
