Hurt, who hasn’t been hurt?
It’s a phase of growing. It is somewhat like the yin and yang thing people speaks about of the world. Okay, maybe not somewhat but similar- okay maybe not similar but exactly what the yin and yang of the world is about. What is this yin and yang atrocity you ask? It is a balance system of how the world revolves as a normal – when there is good, there is some bad, just like some people are happy and some are sad. These are just very basic and vague examples.
Hurt, what about hurt?
It is simply put an emotion that us human feel when we get our heart crushed by a simple back turn of someone close, or the aggrievement of having to know friends get entertained by the enlargement of tales starring yours truly. But everybody gets hurt, that is how we learn and/or grow.
Since
it is my blog, let’s talk about me. Well, it is the only time I should be narcissistic,
should.
I
shall skip the word ‘honestly’ because, one, either most of you that know me
should know these or, two, there is no point lying here, well let’s face it,
you are here probably just looking for something juicy to read as a bedtime
story or an entertainment or that you know me and trying to get some vibes on
my life. Not much to put in or to lie about, I am not a celebrity or someone
who wants to be famous.
There
were many plans that I have thought of during my intern that I had in mind to
do and catch up on during my holidays. There were situations that happened
during the period of intern when things went south or sour, depending on which
word you like, but it went bad, basically. And when the holidays hit, none of
those plans came through, neither did my mood or mind. I did not notice at
first because it seems too subtle but. My depression relapse.
There
were phases in my head chanting;
“…nobody
likes you” “…nobody likes you” “who is she to do this?” “…nobody likes you” “…nobody
likes you” “…nobody likes you” “…better if she was gone” “…nobody likes you” “…nobody
likes you” “…nobody likes you” “…nobody likes you” “why does she bother coming
here.” “…nobody likes you” “…nobody
likes you” “…nobody likes you” “…nobody likes you” “…nobody likes you” “her
boyfriend deserves better.” “…nobody likes you” “…nobody likes you” “useless” “…nobody likes you” “…nobody likes you” “worthless”
“…nobody likes you” “…nobody likes you” “stupid” “…nobody likes you” “…nobody
likes you” “…nobody likes you” “what a disgrace” “…nobody likes you” “…nobody likes you” “…nobody
likes you” “…nobody likes you” “…nobody likes you”
“Why
does she exist in the first place?”
Trust
me when I say this, but my head did not generate those words on its own. Those words
came with voices, voices that belong to people in this reality. And some of
those voices, belong to people that I called friends. Friends that I claimed
family.
There
were misunderstandings, many rumors and a whole lot more of gossips, I cannot
blame anybody. Misread, mistook and misfire, it is not anybody’s fault. Trying to
‘step into others’ shoes’ trying to understand another position is wrong,
because it’s my feet. I thought I was being kind of altruistic, you know,
trying to get along, the ol’ forgive and forget thing and the apologetic takes
the whole blame movement, but it was just arrogant and caused the spreading
commotion into an uproar. An uproar that never stopped in my head till this
very day. 34 haunting days.
Do
not get me wrong, those people was not the ones that hurt me the most. What was,
was… simply betrayal. And the thing about betrayal is, it only comes from those
you trust. It hurt, it hurt like a bitch. Angry? Maybe. Sad? A little. Scared? Yes,
I was terrified. The fear of letting another coming close to me, so that their grimy
little paws can slowly but tightly grasp my heart, ripping it out from its cage
inside me. No, not happening again. My eyes wet with saltwater for days and
days and days without reason, longing for the sky to descend with every moment
a tear slipped without blinking. Nightmares of getting cheated, of getting
teeth dropping, of insects, just kept reminding me what a tremendous failure I am
when awake. Constantly picturing myself in a place of peace and serenity but to
open my eyes to people that brought hell as a gift on a silver platter. So pardon
me for trying to push everyone as far away as possible and hiding every
possible truth of my emotions with every ounce of willpower I had, which
willpower, I comment, is mentally dying.
Try
to understand, but could you? My story is just one of another laughing stock to
many out there. That is the top of the hierarchy and they have never thought of
a need to come down, why would they? And they are right too, these people
usually have green lights their entire life. Life is unfair, sometimes you just
got to wonder, what in the world did they sacrificed in their previous life and
what did you do in yours.
