Hello readers, sorry I was away for so long. In my defense (as you all would know, I am quite defensive), it is going to be the countdown of my last 3 weeks of intern, not counting the external attachments. So I hope I'm forgiven.
Tight links. What do I mean? Simply put, when a connection of 2 different person becomes close, is called a 'tight' link. And mine, it's an obsession over that tight link.
Like a cigarette that one would not be able to put out, stick after stick. The continuous pouring of smoke that escapes the mouth like a thief that done his part. That ecstasy, that rush. That strong longing that just gets stronger when being close. The presence of this human just turned into a morphine that I can never rid of the feels.
Even if I could, I wouldn't.
The words that escapes the lips would affect me more than essays of another. The feelings that was shown could impact me and overwhelms whatever I once felt. My own personal dose of heroin which was administered on a daily basis. But, however, but one day, someone else wanted to borrow it, as it was made for them as well.
Sharing is not one of my aspects, on the contrary, overthinking tends to be. My obsession over that drug like thought of having my oasis taken away from me is intoxicating. Complicating every single thought of acceptance and consuming every self reminder I told myself.
"But she deserves to be happy".
"She does not belong to me only".
"She have her own life too, and not live only for you". And yet.
I am a terrible and selfish friend. This is my conclusion.
If what I wrote above is difficult to understand, do not be disheartened. I, as the writer, do not know what I am writing occasionally as well.
Occasionally.
"Lately I’m obsessed with knowing all I can know about how to forget my past. How to find those ancient remedies or dark coffees and fruity teas that will stop the pain in my heart for a little while. Even though these obsessions seem so tiny compared to my big thoughts and wild dreams.. I can’t stop thinking of what’s next. Mystery lies on the horizon of my new obsession & how I will handle it." -Brianna Hickey
To write a story about obsession, it will be about me. To write a story about serenity, it would be about you.
Was to wish you happiness.To wish that you have found 'the one'.
Wishing you all that you deserve.
Yet, I felt that a part of me was gone. Gave way to being torn, leaving the rest of me unfitting and foreign. I told myself that I have my life, so do you. That if I can have one, why can't you. So why can't you? Well, it is actually very clear. I do not want to let you go.
Don't want you to have a person in your life that you could call 'mine'. Do not want someone, other than me, that you can seek solace in. Do not like, the idea of you having to comforting yourself in another embrace. It is love, but you are my best friend... But... You are happy, aren't you.
And yet, as a sick and horrid friend I am, I manage to come up with yet another stupid idea;
If I broke up with mine, would you leave yours?
But no, I would not ask you to do that. It will be really unfair to both you and your friend. And I guess that is how much you meant to me, and how I really dislike the idea of you having another half. Seriously though, ignore me. I will get over it, I need to. This is crazy, even more so then what I was suppose to be.
Maybe one day, I then can sincerely say "I wish that the both of you are very happy together", sincerely. (Yes, I wrote sincerely twice to emphasize the fact that I want to be sincere).
We will still be best friends forever, right?
I guess now I finally understood the meaning of 'To Love Is To Let You Go'.
