For those who knew who 'Jarica' was, do you remember how was she like? Do you remember how she use to be? How her life was? Before she changed, or thought she did, into 'Mklfpy'. I nearly forgotten, probably did but I guess I remembered.
She used to creep in the dark, or in dark areas that people whom she aspire to be, are scared of. She used to have a haunting lullaby played in her head while she glooms alone, with no one along side her. She used to have a deep dark allure about the world that could link to every reason she had for feeling the way she did. People may not hate her but they definitely did dislike her being this way, possibly all except one, I like her. Especially that part of her.
That was me.
If 'home' was the most comfortable thing I could describe using a word; that girl then, was my home. Her amazing abilities to be able to put every negative feelings she have into words that could create an impact to people who happens to come across it. She was able to relieve herself from expectations that can cause her plunging further into her depression. To be able to make herself look horribly pathetic, that initially people that once cared for her, stays a dozen feet away. I know it is not anybody's fault for doing such actions, but her own. However, I did not hurt anybody then. Which was different from what I am now.
The current me, smiles at everything whether it is bitter, sweet or sour. The me now have forgotten what a terrible place reality is, fate is. It is like a joke to whoever is laughing. They want you to walk, but they make you fall while learning. They wanted you to be strong, but they make you find your courage first. They want you to be independent, but they make you love and took everybody that you did love away eventually. To break down and cry, is a waste of time when nobody is waiting or reaching out their hand to help you up. And sometimes, people just lose it.
It is a game we play with our lives against the time. But we never win, for time never runs out, it is us that runs out.
"We are in the same game,
just different levels.
Dealing with the same hell,
just different Devils."
This was my favourite quote for the past few years and it still is. I guess by reciting this, I know that everybody have their own problems and I am not the only one. But feelings are my own, I can only feel what I have experienced. If anybody was to be able to read my mind, they'd be in tears. Similarly, if I was to be able to read someone else's mind, I'd cry too. We are all the same, just in a different state.
And that is just what I have been trying to convince myself these days; my constant heartaches are recurring and I just have no idea or whatsoever on how to stop or prevent it. Also recently, I have problems controlling pulling myself together. It's like I am desperately trying all that I can to pull up my self-esteem but it just keeps plunging downwards. Every negative thoughts and feelings seemed to be magnetised to me these days, to the point that I feel that I am actually having a relapse. Suicidal thoughts and the intention to hurt myself, like I say, I am trying to control but I won't deny that I have quite strong thoughts.
That monachopsis feeling is having a tug-of-war with my self control, and it appears to be winning. Is there any reason why the hell am I suddenly feeling this way?
