I guess I have introduce what this is about in the previous post and I did say that there is more things that I did not manage to say to some people, so I shall continue.
"Hey. You know me well enough, so I shall skip the weird awkward introduction part and get on with it. You asked me once, in that huge commotion we had whether do I have anything I hid from you or did I ever lied to you. I said I did and my explanation was that everybody have something they want to bury, to keep inside without anybody knowing. Which was true by the way. But that commotion made me very confused at that point of time and the situation that was unknowing to me at first became very hectic and difficult. I was annoyed, I was irritated and I was upset. Partly because of them and the contents that you were passing to me but I am mostly, for a lack of better word, confused as to what I am suppose to feel. I do not know whether I am more disappointed in you or myself, or whether I am upset that you had to bring up things that I clearly told you not to. The problem was not complex at first because there isn't one, but somebody fuelled someone. I said blame me for everything so that it could end and we could focus with the real problem: the exams. But you didn't want to let it go. You knew how bad my studies was and yet, with my every effort and attempt to subside the problem or ignore it, you had to remind me. Remind me of the hate, the dislike and everything that I spent my life trying to ignore and cover it and finally when I could convince people by looking as if I do not care, you bring down that little confidence, little self esteem that I managed to hold up with all my strength. I am really really confused. That's when someone approach me and told me that if you were really my friend, you would do your best to not bring me in, or at least until after the exams. Not only just defending me by words, but by action of not hurting me. But its okay. I need to apologise that I cannot text, whatsapp, call or whatever you. I do not know what to say even if I could either. There is a long story behind this too, but do believe me when I say that there are many times I tried to apologise but I can't. I am sorry that you met me and that I probably is the most horrid, caused you the most problems and catastrophic friend you ever had. I am really sorry."
"You people were the energy that kept me alive, literally, for the past few years but no anymore. What changed was that everybody changed. I feel that you guys are in denial about each of our changes, time and distance. You guys can afford to be in denial because you guys do not think you are and for the fact that aside from me, you guys feel the same way about each other. Meaning that you guys probably thinks that our circle, our band of bonds would last till, for a lack of better word, more or less forever. Actually I cannot say you guys are in denial, because it is only me. Why? Because, I know I am never able to fit to in anymore the moment I retained. You guys only see this as a level difference, but there really is a difference especially when this group more or less aren't really caring or concern about what anyone feels.
However, that is just the society these days isn't it? Since when have being unconcerned and uncaring been a good thing? Oh, since they counselled poor kids with low self esteem and zero confidence to ignore what others say and feel, and all they should do is believe in themselves.
You guys do not care what I think and feel well, and recently I guess I have given you guys much reasons to do exactly that. You said that I was being paranoid and thinks too much. But is this it? I know you guys have been thoughtful and all by setting another group without me in it, to talk about year 3 stuffs and I really appreciate it (I am not being sarcastic). However, because of that group, there is no point having this group anymore. It is too silent, or you could take me out of that group. I know you guys have been trying to be considerate and thoughtful and involve me as much as possible, but these only shows the distance I have with you people. Thank you for taking care of me and being my friends till this day, I hope we can still be friends. I really thank you guys for lifting me out of my dark and blank space from inside me, I may not be fully out but I will be okay. Thank you."
"My dear bird prawn thing. You do not really have to keep it a secret anymore, I'll let them decide whether I stay or leave, just warn them that I will definitely act the same way as I am now and all. But thanks for trying to a better friend to me, though its often stops at trying. You do not have to go all the way out just for me. I know that you are busy and all, I do not want to exhaust you out further. But thanks for trying. And I am really sorry that you chose me at that time, this was what I never get to tell you. You would not be in this state if you stuck with them. I am really sorry that all I brought you was drama and problems for you to solve. Anyways, Good luck ahead."
"Hi. I know you are trying to get to know me and help me by getting me to come to your church's events and talks, but I am not really good with churches and especially when I need to go alone to someplace new with a lot of people that I probably have never met in my lifetime. I often rejects you with many weird excuses and reasons, for that I am sorry. You are a awesome counsellor/motivator/guardian/friend to me. You are a great person and I loved to be you but I wouldn't because I do not want to try. But nonetheless, thank you for all your efforts and help, maybe one day, I'll be ready to take your offer."
I guess these are the people I remembered what I didn't say to them. There might be some more however, my memory do fail me. I will updated again when I remember. And I will try to post more of my pictures as promised, try. Buhbye.
