I’m sorry
for not updating my blog for such a long period of time. I am undergoing a
session called ‘hell management’. Exactly like its name, it is not pleasant one
bit.
This long period of time made me go through many emotions, feelings and
events, which I probably would not be able to finish writing out everything
here. Also, most of the negative feelings and things I had been through are
pretty much forgotten. My birthday, Christmas, attachment, start of semester 2,
New Year’s, Volleyball tournament and anything else that I missed or cannot
remember. But that is all over, I need to look forward. But I will probably
will still talk about some events here, might sound a bit long winded so bear
with me okay? J
I do not have much to talk
about for my birthday part as I did not really want to celebrate it anyways,
but still I thank the people that wished me and those that wanted to help me
celebrate.
I met some really super nice
people in attachment and some, not so nice. But the overall experience is…
educational? I managed to pass, that is good right.
The volleyball tournament was
quite recent so I remember more details about it.
The tournament was on a
Friday night, 6-10pm. I got scolded by Aloysius for not telling and inviting
the clique, but more importantly he, to the tournament but it was quite late at
night. I did not want to see them stay so late outside because of me. Anyways,
we did not manage to make it into the semi-finals but we won 2 games and lost 2
games, so it is not exactly an entire loss. I am so proud that my team, team
Bluetooth, is able to work together and have the team spirit. Even the captain
that do not talk or say much, managed to be hyper that night. I really thinking
he is a vampire, just saying. Maybe we, the team, is just night peoples, I know
I am. I hope we can still keep in touch with each other, especially since we
are a team. Were a team. But the team is cool, the people in it are even more
so. Which includes Jan as well. I wonder though, if we actually bumped into
each other in school, will we say hi or will we just walk pass like strangers
that never interacted. I fell in love with volleyball ever since the 2nd
practice session and it felt sad that I am probably never going to have the
chance to play again or learn. But all good
things tend to come to an end, I am used to it I guess. It had been fun.
I am guessing not much people
read my blog anyways, so I can speak my mind freely here. So I am going to rant
about my feels now.
There is just this question
in my head, “why do we need to feel love?” Somehow I kind of hate having to
experience ‘being in love’. My ‘being in love’ will never mean two parties
having a mutual liking to each other. My ‘being in love’ will probably mean
having a one sided affection for another. Not that I like someone now, but I
just do not like the feeling of having a crush on someone. Maybe past
experiences from friends and myself totally freaked me out but still, I just
can’t seem to stand it. It is fine if the feelings mutual but that does not
happen to me so, I do not really see a reason for me, Jarica lee, to like
anyone. The people I like are also quite subjective, goodness. Sometimes I
cannot stand myself. Gosh, I feel too much, make it stop please. Sometimes,
nah, most of the times, I really hoped that I am not born a female. The rest of
the time, I just hoped I was not born but hey, I am here. Haha.
I talked to my best friend
about it and she made me realised or told me something. She told me to be
patient as things does not change overnight. She told me that if I want to
change something, first I must at least try and take the first steps. She send
me a quote saying:
She believes in me and placed
trust in me. But most importantly, she wished me well. Thank you best friend,
love you so much. But patience is not exactly the best value in me, let alone
waiting for things that may or may not happen. I do not like risking, so a
‘maybe’ is not good enough for me. I do not want to end up liking someone for
another 8 years and then end up needing to give up as the chances are already
0%. Like best friend said, I am just scared and that I keep running away.
Though I wonder, who does not run away when they are scared? Aside from those
that legs are jelly or frozen to the ground then they cannot move. I am not as
lucky as the rest which can be together with those that they like. Oh them
feels.
I mention about being in a
‘hell-management’ kind of a period these days/weeks/months. Apparently this
semester is relatively shorter than the first sem, so assignments and tests
have been piling non-stop. It is no surprise that I am unable to cope and now,
add in a bad habit, bam, bye GPA. I do not know what I am supposed to do, but I
seriously do need to kick that bad habit of mine and really start studying.
Gosh. I need to catch up badly and fast. Finals are round the corner and I am
here, blogging. Ironic much? Somehow this is a break from studying at least. I needed
this break.
Despite all these troubles
and problems that I have, I know somewhere someone will have it worse and just
maybe, there are people around me who are in this category right now. There are
people out there that are facing much more challenging and unchangeable situations
and yet, feeling able to control and cope. I really admire them but at the same
time, I really feel for them. Nobody wants to be a scene where only hardships
and misery strived in us. I am sure everybody wants to feel happy from deep in
them. Genuinely and sincerely happy. But then, there are people like me who are
numb to surrounding, feelings and emotions because constant negativities
overwhelms them thoroughly. We smile, we laugh and show every emotion that a
normal could but that is just a mask that changes accordingly. Some commented
about how fake we are, but if we actually showed our real selves, how would
they have reacted?
I encountered people that
would blow the situation up like telling somebody with an authority or spread
it around like it was a hot gossip. I have also encountered people that were scared
and/or disgusted, they left. Leaving me behind and never saying a word to me
ever, not even a smile when we walked by. There are also people that told me
that it is no big deal, others got it harder. They might have, but they are not
me and I am not them. I do not know what they are going through, or anybody for
that matter. But I know what I am going through and this is how I choose to
respond to it. I do not need sympathy or pity, neither do I need encouragement
or praises. I just need somebody to understand me. Not my problems, not my
solutions, but me. Understand that I’ll be fine, understand that I’ll get
through. Understand that I can be strong.
I may seemed like a tough nut
to crack, also seemed like it is hard to get along with me. But truth to be
told, there are people who had cracked me up and is observing from the insides.
I am not that hard to get along with, I am an open person after all. Not open
like everybody knows everything about me, but open as in open-minded. Able to accept
differences and can really be over crazy and over hyper. I am changing, I know I
am changing. I am still human after all. Whether is it for the better or for
the worse, I have no idea? It is as vast as the future that lay in front of me.
I am hoping things will
change for the better as well, but as Cheshire cat said “If you do not know
where you want to go, the path does not matter.”
And here is a small message to those that is like the me in the past:
Thanks for reading my rants, buhbye.
