Sunday, 14/9
I went to river safari today and it was very fun. There happen to be one incident that i occured but somehow it didnt matter as much as it would have, if it occured in the past.
Well, i spilled chocolate cream all over my favourite dress when eating the panda bun. If it was the old me (not that i changed much), i would probably freaked and act like its such a big deal. I'd be like "OH MY GOD, SHIT, ITS NEVER COMING OFF LAH!" I would stop eating immediately and go to the toliet and clean my whole dress. If i have a jacket in my bag or with me, i would wear it on despite the heat and me sweating. But what i did was laugh it off, finish the bun and wipe it off with tissue. Then to prevent my legs from being sticky, i went to wash up a bit. Didnt cover, didnt make a big deal then a huge mess and didn't feel the slightly bit of embarassment.
Why?
Honestly, i don't know. I like to think of it as I've changed. But other reasons would probably be like 'nobody knows me anyways', 'I'm probably just tired' or 'luckily it's not my uniform'. Hey, it was my favorite dress. At the time I thought to myself that, I was lucky to be out of my uniform and in casual attire which is comfortable and comforting.
Then there's the 3 weeks of my clinical attachment.
3 weeks in AMK community home with both NP and NYP colleagues. People I've never met in my life, people I've met but is not close and people I've met and talked to. To know I knew close to nobody in this attachment freaked me out, but luckily I knew 4 of the names present and thank God, everybody was super nice. My clinical instructor (CI), the nurses there and the people from Both NP/NYP are so nice to me; taught me many stuffs and we forged friendship. Also know that some of us happen to be in the same class next semester and coincidentally, they happen to be people I really enjoy being with. Hopefully my new class can be as nice as my previous one but with more drama and closer friends. I hope I enjoy the new semester and work harder as well.
Myself.
I know, I said I changed but still some habits die hard. When those habits strikes, every negative thought I ever had gushes in, every reminder to remains smiley dies. The urge to cry gets stronger and stronger till I do not feel like controlling it no longer. I seriously don't know what to feel when I'm out of my comfort zone, it is like I cannot do anything when I am alone. Such coward.
"I told everybody to be strong but in the end, the weakest being is me."
I signed up for a trip oversea to do community work and I know its bad, but I sort of regret a little.. Mainly because of the timespan I'm going to be spending there and the lack of daily necessaries. Everything to start from square 1; toilet, daily lives and food. I thought I would be used to it already as I grew up living in a farm after all, but nope, I am not. I am dead scared and I tried to calm myself down by telling myself all the 'hard' things I've done so far like surviving St john for standing for more than 6-8 hours without moving much, Cambodia trip when I fell down the steps in front of Mary (this is more of embarrassing, and he is my best friend now and I do not think he remembers much) and a few others. I guess I haven't been outside my comfort zone much and its time. Everybody should get out of their comfort zone once in a while right?
My sources of comfort and emotional sanctuary are my friends and families that encouraged me; There's Youxia that had to put up with my rotten and spoilt ranting and whining for the past few days, there's Lifang which is still in China dealing with her studies and the rest. I told myself that if Lifang can do it, I should be able to do it as well. Youxia reminded me that all I am doing now, is for a good cause and I guess it is. If I can't stand up for myself, I should at least stand up for those who believed in me and those that I am going to help right? phew..
Jarica, be strong. Endure and have fun. You can do it.
There are things planned after I come back so I do something to look forward to and, this may come as a shock, I was planning... not to bring... wowozhai.. :'(
I know, I have been sleeping for the past 17 plus years with him and I had never ever spend one night without him. But bringing him which means I have one more thing I have to worry about and that's not what I need right now. I cherish him more than I cherish my life and my Death wish is to die with him, that's why I shouldn't bring him along. Hey, I am more depressed than he is, okay! He's sad, I'm sad too.. But its for the best. I love you, Zhai. :(
And as Einstein said:
Oh yeah, have I mentioned I went to my cousin's wedding reception recently and I wore make up for the very first time in my life and by myself. But I probably look weird or atrocious, well its for you to judge.
I wore a sleeveless maxi high-low dress.
Yeah, this was how it turns out.
