What is this I’m feeling?
Loneliness, heartbreak or just
another emotional melt down. It is happening again. Trying to keep cheerful, to
keep others from noticing how and what I am doing. Trying hard to ease the
inflammation of my heart. It is not working, at all.
What am I doing? Honestly.
Pushing people away, lying through my teeth and having such
pain, didn’t I promise to change? Jarica, please, it is because you believe it
hurts that is why it does hurt. Our minds are such powerful things, but how can
I ignore a pain piercing so real that I crouch down on the floor hugging my dog
and cry silently.
“Bad things are going to happen. People are going to hurt you.
But you can’t use that as an excuse to hurt someone back.”
Is this part of which I am, is this me?
To believe in the
worst and that the good never comes. No prince charming on a horse of white,
slaying down every dragon I created to test myself. No fairy godmother in which
would help me cast a spell to make everything brighter than just black. Neither
is there an evil step mother directing me to a happiness of mine and halting me
to retrieve it. No good, no bad, just me. The director, editor and star of her
own movie. How about a round of applause to the girl that enclosed herself from
everything that is both good and bad? To no exposure, and no daylight, the
purpose of her life is zero.
If only she had the courage to pick up that blade she left
lying around, or the courage to unchain the bolted windows that led to
eternity. If only she tried.
How much hurt are you planning to exert upon yourself just to
realize it is enough. You enjoy depriving yourself of what makes you happy just
so you can convince others that you do not believe in happiness. You physically
abused your body just to feel that the pain is real. You ripped your heart out
into a million pieces, tell yourself that you do not believe in love and yet,
you fell over and over for those hopes that never existed. Then, you made this
an excuse to feel happy and a reason for you to live in a dream. Afterwards,
you tear the whole dream down by telling yourself that you should give up; give
up without even trying, letting it go because it is time for you to wake up. Ms
Jarica, does torturing yourself like this make you feel satisfied? Or feel
better in any way? Sometimes I’m proud that I’ve created this monster, this
devil out of me but, it seems I have lost… me.
Which part of these smiles are real? I really want to know. Because I can't feel it, I can feel it no longer.
"I'm pretty sure if I didn't always text you first, we would never talk again"
You know, I tried. I really tried. But this time, even when I did, I'm pretty sure you won't reply, ever. Haha.. I guess that's the end huh. I tried, but why does it still feels so terrible inside?
"I wish you and I would start talking again."
Every story would have a beginning and an end. But mine, forever and ever, starts without a beginning and ended without an ending. Why is this so suffocating? Is there no such thing as a 'I love him and he loves me back' kind of thing for me?
Oh wait, I do not believe in love do I? Then why do I keep falling?! It hurts, you know, constantly falling on my ass even before I stood up.
Seriously though, why does these keeps happening to me.
Maybe I've been way too stressed lately; with all the tests, projects and assignments. Also, the news that breaks my heart. Is that a farewell that you have no right to say?
I don't know how, I don't know what. All I know is that I need to start studying hard for my common tests and that my heart should be on my books instead.
Not on Him. Not on Her. Not on them.
On my most beloved textbooks.
