Dear Magic
I don't know what is happening to me and around me. It is like my world lost its meaning. I do not know what I needed to do, who I needed to be. I only know that I am suppose to act my age, do what is needed and asked to do, be strong, be independent. However, as much as I would like to, I am lost. It feels like the colors of my world starts to peel away one by one, and with the meanings of it went as well.
What did I wanted to do. If this is a depressive stage relapsing, it is pretty scary because it is not sudden, but gradual and bits and pieces just fades. It's like you looking forward to eating an ice cream the entire week, but when you can see the ice cream, you suddenly do not know what to do with it. And even if someone gave you one, instead of indulging that icy goodness you looked forward too, you just throw it away without even touching it.
I do not know what is wrong. I just feel overwhelmed, by what I have no idea. I am just sad and/or afraid. Like I want to burst into tears and give it a big powerful sob and get on with life, but I cannot even cry out, I can tear up but that is it. I don't like this feeling. I don't like feeling like this. I really really don't like what is happening to me. I am trying my hardest to keep it together yet I feel the more pieced together I try to be, the more broken I feel.
Nobody is able to help me. Apparently because I myself do not even know what the problem is, so how does anyone help me. This feeling is so alone, uninterested in doing anything but makes me mentally and emotionally worn out. I feel so useless, worthless and that I cannot amount to anything, Just very lost. This time, I have not need to push people away, as they naturally just distanced themselves from me. Too much negative energy, I apologize for that.
I guess I need to close down for maintenance.
