MARCH is a horrible month for me.
As lifespan is getting shorter and shorter, my temper is also getting shorter and shorter, my illness isn't going anywhere, I'm trying to live with it.
MY FAMILY
Probably because of my temper and frustation that the stress in school causes me, I cant seems to separate the thoughts and anger. Thus, all of it vented on my family members. They might or seems to be ok with it but I'm not. I'm Gulity about it but i can't do anything with it. ps. don't give me that 'there is always a choice' crap, cuz i obviously cant thing about anything abt it in every situation. i cant stop and think thats why. The stress i dealing with isnt just abt school but also my current close friends and my... well, since i mention it above, illness. My heart seems to rush me in everything that i have or going to do, till i dont know what I'm to do.
Just wanna say Sorry. For bringing up such a kid. Some things are just fated.
MY FRIENDS
Maybe because I'm in a different stream as them, maybe because I've changed, maybe because we're not close anymore, Maybe because they adapted... I don't know. I've retained as a sec 3 and I'm in a totally new generation of people that does different things. I'm not in the same class as my clique and yes, I am DEVASTED, but what can i do. Its a no choice thing ya'noe. They seem to be bothered or slightest bit of sad that someone from their clique(i didnt use the word 'friend') is not there anymore. Yeah, I know i can be a nuisance most or all of the time, irritating and annoying, but they can say it in front of me, i'll change. But it don't seem that way. Adaline, Youxia, they are nice and caring like big sisters (or mother) to me and yet, they never ever say anything to me or even ask me stuffs. Do they know me, i dunno, they never ever says anything. Cheryl and Lynn, I know they dislike me but still they try to be nice, but can i just ask them to show it out cause I want to know the real them instead. Michelle, she's sometimes like this sometimes like that so maybe thats just her, compared to the rest above, i think she shows her true opinion of me and really hinted me some things i needed to change, even though i'm not that close to her. Lastly, to me the bestest friends life/God have probably given me, Lifang & Shirley. Maybe because I'm not around any longer, we're not as close as we use to be anymore. I know they have their lives and all but i selfishly wants them all to myself, and i know its not possible thus, i've been controlling myself. I selfishly took them as my best friends, i guess now, i should take responsiblity to change it back the way it was. I am thankful that when someone tells me that my clique says something bad about me, they always added "Lifang and shirley will still be always by your side rite?" or "lifang and shirley will never say anything bad about you behind your back" Thank you. I don't know whether to believe what others says, "your clique don't like you isit? cuz they always say bad things behind your back", is true or not. I really really wants to believe that its not true but, by distance we're now, its really hard to say. Even though this may start since we are very close but then, I can tell myself that its confirm not true though it maybe is. I've become so problematic that i really feels like ending my life instantly despite i know that i'm gonna go soon anyway. Its so complicated..
MY SELF
I'm typing with a swollen heart, tears-filled eyes, trembling hands, headache, high fever, sore throat and an Asmathic attack. I don't know what to do. My hair is falling like the rain and my health is dropping by the second. i've always believed that if something happens, it happen for a reason. So what is the reason for this 'friendship'? To make me feel alone or to make me be strong alone. To tell me i should trust no one and be alone or its better being alone. But my fear of being alone in the outside worlde, ISN'T GOING AWAY! I need my families to care and embrace me with Love, I need my friends to show some Care and Love(i dont care if its fake), I want to feel that people around me care for me and trust me, love me. But why, why do i still feel so alone. why do i feel so lonely... I'm scared. I'm pathetic. Acting like a new-born child that wants to be showered with Love, Care and Attention. I'm seriously Pathetic. Why. Why me. I put so much effort into everything and it just collapse like its made of paper and dust. People niceness is made used of, but i'm not nice, why is there still people out there making use of me like i'm some trash that needed to be thrown, some shit that needed to be flushed. I'm surrounded by the names of people i care, is that why i feel so alone? The names not the person. So no matter how much i care, it wont affect the person. Is that so? I'm dying soon, why can't it be easier for me?
