Selling difference

Dear Magic,

I think I screwed up again.



It's no surprise I screw up but into such a huge mess which created such a huge pile of stress tumbling down on me. Well, did I mention, I am not good with stress. I mean its not a huge deal, some people need stress to work their things, others can sustain with appropriate amount of it, I just can't have any of it.



Been reading a lot lately, and devoting myself to my kids lately (Im a teacher, not a mother) and sometimes interacting with them gives me different angles and inspirations. It gave me a chance to be in touch with the creativity and innocence I lost on the process of growing up. I mean, the world they see and the world I see though seem to be the reality we all lived in, but it is completely different. They will not be caged by the rules and regulations of what is right and what is wrong, they see the world as something they like and in colour of any without sequence and doing things that they love. But I guess, one can only blame society and their high standards of living and advancement. They strip away the pleasure and joy of the colourful world of the children, colour by colour and shape by shape. The society tends to shape the thoughts of the young creative mind to a solid square that only the status quo remains in it. There rights and wrong of the world carved into the black and white only for the children to absorbed it.



I, as their teacher, am sad to say that I could not make a difference in that. I tried to be myself, to be different to promote that difference is unique and special and it is okay to be different. But me too, is bound by the regulations of the society that teachers are only suppose to be an exemplary characters for the students to look up to.

Well,  

1. I have blue hair initially to show that exemplary characters do not come from physical appearances - The higher-ups made me bun it up/ cover it/
2.  I tried to allow the students a bit more freedom to express themselves as kids - Well, they have a timetable to follow and I am suppose to issue the tasks presented to me by my higher-ups.
3. During break time, I allow my students to colour and draw while resting, I even printed some colouring pages for them - Actually this is allowed, but not when nearing their examinations dates.
4. I tried conditioning them (Its a psychological term, where I reward good behaviour, and punish bad behaviours, look it up for further explanation) - Higher-ups feels that punishment is not applicable to the children due to parents.
5. So I tried one-way conditioning (Reward good behaviour) - outcome: the kids do not take into mind the rewards.

Yeap. At least my nails are not on radar, but they are sky blue with glitter now, its kind of an obvious shade. But point is, it is hard to be different and make a different when circumstances are bounded by so many rules and regulations. Do not get me wrong, there is a need for law and security but minor things like hair colour, tattoos etc should not be the talk of a town. It has been for a few centuries already, it is now 90218, new century and we should be advancing towards a change that can better the society and not be bounded by physical attributes as the society limits us to. 

You could see a man covered in tattoos and because of society, you were needed to said "He is by all means a scary gangster" instead of "Wow, his tattoos are beautiful" or "hey, that guy could be a CEO of some huge company" but no. You can see a little girl in pigtails wearing pink and fluffy clothes in the newspaper and comment "she must won some little miss pageant content" or "she must have been a victim of some terrible incident" instead of "did she kill somebody?".

I can honestly tell all of you, someone that may covered head to toes with the most fearsome looking body arts, piercing, body alterations, dressing with the most atrocious frantic hairstyle and most different hair colour(s) you have ever seen may not be more dangerous, less qualified to be anyone or anything, or even different than every other normal looking person you do not notice walking pass you every second in your world. But on contra, if someone actually commented about it negatively, it will only reflect that his or her heart, mind and himself or herself are more vile than the person that was just commented on based on physical appearances.

It is taught to me that I am suppose to treat a janitor the same amount of respect as a CEO. I do not know about you, but I uphold that to my very best.

And oh, do watch the Greatest showman, it is fantastic! It shows that difference is not a sin and it is something one should be proud of.

Anyways, this was not why I screwed up. I refused to talk about it so I diverted. Sorry about that Magic. I shall continue writing about other things next time then. 

I love you Magic, and I'm missing you dearly.

To fall back into the person twice

Dear Magic

It has been a while.




I told you in the last post that I have a job but currently, I have 3. One is a tuition teacher that teaches both primary and secondary school kids, one is a student care teacher whom seems more like a disciplinary master than a teacher. Lastly, is the one I've mentioned to you in the previous post. This is a short summary on what's going on in my life, because with my jobs and workload, I seemed like I do not really have time for many things. However, I do have time for myself actually, more than it seems.
But this post is not about any of that. I am writing today to discuss something I am inspired by in a drama series. I am going to write it in Chinese, but I will translate it into English at the bottom.



在许多电视剧与小说里的情景发现，如果人有一个他／她曾经深深爱过的人，无论和谁在一起，自己觉得有多么的幸福快乐，最后再次和那个曾经深爱过的人碰巧遇见，都显得会回到那深爱过的人的身边。不管他／她做过什么，说过什么，现在的伴侣为自己牺牲什么，放弃什么，都相似离不开那位曾经深爱过的人。

这对于我来说，世界也显得太不公平了。对自己，对在自己身边爱护他／她的那个人，对曾经深爱过的那个人。



大多数认识我的朋友，都会知道我曾经有一段无缘的单恋情。单恋了10年一个根本不知情的男生。已经很久了，必须得放下了。我本身可能爱过，也可能深爱过，也有个离不开自己心的难忘影子，也迷惑影子的面目。但，我真心希望不再与可能是那影子的主人再遇。温馨也好，后悔也罢，就把他想象成一个倒在地上未到手的冰淇凌，感觉可惜但觉得不必要再买一个。虽然真心希望不再遇见，可如果天意如此，我并无所谓。一切t听天由命吧。现在的我，我挺满意的。不想再偶遇的原因其实是不想亏欠和伤害现在在我身边爱，保护，珍惜我的那些人。我曾经深爱的他，欣赏我也好，不在意我的存在也罢，依然无所谓，一切如天命。我现在既然已麻木，就让他成为回忆，让它随风而去吧，直到哪一天在一个奇迹般的偶遇之下在让回忆回来吧。

我相信，依然是同样的情景，同样的时间，同样的地方，同样的偶遇，相同的两个人，相遇也不会在一样了。即使没变化，也不可能在发生了。曾经认识爱慕的两个人，于此比普通路人更普通。



“相爱没有那么容易，每个人有他的脾气。过了爱做梦的年纪，轰轰烈烈不如平静。幸福没有那么容易，所以才特别让人着迷。什么都不懂的年纪，曾经最掏心，所以最开心，曾经。” ~没那么简单，黄小琥。



Translated:

In many television drama series and novels, it is known that if a person has a person he/she has ever loved deeply, no matter who he/she is, who he/she is with, how happy he feels, when finally he/she once again happens to meet the person he/she once loved. upon meeting, they all seem to return to those who have they had first loved so deeply. Regardless of what he/she has done or what he/she has said, what the current partner sacrifices for him/herself and what he/she gave up, they seemed to be unable to leave the one whom he once loved deeply.

To me, the world is too unfair. To the person him/herself, to the person who is currently with him/her, to the person who one had once loved deeply.



Most of my friends who know me will know that I once had a lonely (can be considered as kind of pathetic) one-sided relationship. An unrequited love for an unknowing boy for 10 years. It had been a long time and it is time to let it go. I may have once loved and I may have once loved deeply, I also may have an unforgettable shadow that does not leave my heart, and I may be confused by the face of that shadow. However, I sincerely hope that I will not come to meet the person who may be the face of that shadow in my heart. Whether it was once comforting or whether it was regretful, I had imagined him to be an ice cream that I did not even had a chance to grab it before falling onto the ground. It was a pity but felt that it was unnecessary to buy another one. Although I sincerely hope that the meet does not happen, but if fate allows, I would not seem to mind. I leave it up to fate. Now to me, I am quite satisfied with I am. The reason why I do not wish that the meet happens is that, I do not want to owe and hurt those who love, protect and cherish the me now. I loved him once and appreciated the chance I had with him, even if he used to fancy me, or whether he ignored my existence, it do not matter anymore so. Destiny played it's role, and the chance is over now. My feelings towards him are numbing, so why not let him be a memory and let that memory go with the wind, until one miraculous encounter happens, bringing those memories back. But before then, I am fine with who I am now.



I believe that even in the same situation, same time, same place, same encounter, the same two people, the meet will still be not be the same as before. Even if change did not happen, it will still be different. The 2 person that once knew love, behaved like ordinary passers-by, like they have never been in each other's life.




As much as I like to say, life is complicated, it is more than just that. Magic, what do you think?

I miss you, Magic. XOXO.

Aspirations

In memories of my aunt's beloved dog, my blog posts will be dedicated to him. Rest in peace, Magic.

Dear Magic,

There are many things that happened after you passed. I guess it is always inevitably that people and things change. Then again, you are watching aren't you. Every little tiny bit. Well, January's weather is kind of a mess *laughs* but I did experience Genting-kind weather in Singapore.

My condition has not gotten better, and I am still trying to find a way to live with it. But it is really really hard. Sleepless nights, panic attacks, what's new? I am really trying my best to cope with the environment around and my circumstances. I've been stepping out of my comfort zones (aka my room and house), it all is still a learning phase. Just like a new-born learning to crawl or walk for the first time. It is still, hard.

Well, I've found a job. Aside from my classes at night. My boss is really nice, but very korean orientated *giggles* which is fun and interesting nevertheless. She gave me the hope that I wanted. The hope to do something entirely mine, entirely something I love. I guess you can say that I have just received my first instructional guide on doing things that I love and try to make a career out of it. Now, the hard part... Well, I know what I love and I love what I do, but nobody said I am great at doing it, which kind of is a dilemma. Honestly. 

But fortunately, I am not at a complete loss. I know of people that is able to and are awesome at it. I am just thinking how do I get my thoughts across to them and which exactly is the first step in this instruction booklet. I am just wondering if what I think during the late nights when I could not fall asleep, would become a reality or, am I just pushing my luck.



I dream of a future that people knows what I enforced and still be supportive of me, a future where people will know that prejudice is not tolerated and that feminism is just people asking for the world to give females the same choices, opportunities and reasons as that of males. Animal should be free and happy, for their soul is that of a person. Being open minded is a virtual and a few more. My dream of my future is to do things differently and make a difference in one or more individual lives.



It honestly is not a dream about fame or power, but I just feel that some changes would be appreciated. It is not any 'WOW' or super incredible kind of dream, it is just a belief that someone as mere as me in this millions and millions of beings identical, I can be a little different.

A little eccentric. A little fragile. Maybe naive even.
But definitely different.

Hooo... It is really getting hotter and hotter, the weather I mean, and I read that it is only going to get hotter still. I really hope Singapore will snow soon. It may be the kind of proper motivation and change the world needs to understand that Mother nature is done with humanity's idiocy. It may be too late but, at least some things will change. Who knows.



Love, Me

Hope

Dear Collector,

What is hope?

I was conversing with someone about my past and this topic sort of came up. So what is hope? Hunger games movies made it sound like the light at the end of a tunnel, you know, the burst of light that felt like freedom. In the hunger games series, it was mentioned that hope is a very very precious kind of thing, where people should have it, but not too much of it. Thats why their games usually only should have one victor.



My past, is not as vicious as compared to the Hunger games (obviously), because no one actually did die. No one died physically anyways. But hope was a huge part of my life and in the past, it was actually the reason I kept on living.

Well, the conversation started off with me as a helpline (yea, 1-800-help-me), friendly advice to a friend in need, about relationships. He was not into the girl but the girl was really into him, which reminded of... well, me in the past. I told the guy to let her go, because hoping on to hope is... If you have been there, done that, you know the reason why I use the word 'sad' to describe it. If there was just someone like me, a helpline for my him then, then maybe, just maybe, I would not need to hold on to an empty hope for 8 - 10 years.



That friend asked me, as I mentioned my past, "Did it hurt?"
I answered: "Hope, doesn't hurt. Never did, never will. It's the disappointment that hurts".
Hope is something you hold on to that can lift you to the highest point in the skies but it's disappointment can crush you like you wouldn't imagine.



Do you know I painted a beautiful story filled with flawlessness and hope. The story that binds two different souls together with an unspoken touch of passion and romance. A story about how a girl spent half of her age loving a guy with a heart filled with hope, hoping that he look back and return the same feelings. Two completely different person that crossed paths for just once in each lives that twisted into a romance story filled with nothing but hope.

But guess what, the secret's out. It ain't no romance novel, or a story with a fairytale ending. It is a beautiful story, no doubt. But, from the first word of that story to the last punctation mark, it is not flawless. Just one flaw, that entire story became reality. That one flaw, is that... the Hope mentioned in each of the pages that glorious story flows, does not exist.



Confused? You are not the only one. Let me summarise.

I had loved a guy for 8 - 10 years, for these years which felt like minutes to me, I held on to a hope that he would like me back. I held on to that hope for 8 - 10 years. 10 years, seems very long but for him to just turn his head back to see the me that had been standing behind him for what it seems to be forever, it's nothing. But was never any hope to begin with, it was all up in my own head. That 'hope' that I held for them several years, was just me, in my head. Why?

Because I have never once told him how I felt. That was the secret to the all so fabricated to flawlessness stories. They all seemed fantastic and great, and of how powerful a love can be, but nothing happened because the protagonist chickened out.



My story on Wattpad called ' Courage to Love', was basically because i loved without a courage. So like  a shadow in complete darkness, without any ounce of light, I am neither here nor there. And it is none other than my own fault. You can click the link below or click on the Wattpad button at the network area.

https://www.wattpad.com/214046531-courage-to-love-only-if-prologue



But it is all now in the past, I am okay being who am I now and satisfied with my life at it's current state.

So, what is hope? Hope is what you want to think it is. People have religions, partially because it gave them hope. Hope can make you believe in anything that you want. Hope is very strong, as supported by president Snow of the Hunger games. Hope can lift every weight off your shoulders, it can also disappoint putting a million times more weight on you.

But you know something, everybody needs to hold on to a hope. They need to, otherwise then they would not exist. In other words, being hopeless is equivalent to giving up on life, Death.

Organising some thoughts in my head

Dear collector,

This time I am really speechless. The thoughts, rants and loud reasonings in my head just does not exit my mind any easier than me trying to squeeze it out now. Even with countless nights and many philosophical logic, the possible conclusion I had came up with is that I no longer could say everything I had been through with just anybody. And there are things I just wanted to get it out of my system, so it doesn't really matter whom I tell it to.



These days I tend to know myself a little better; my virtues, my goals, what I want and stuff. There are still many I have yet to uncover.
Firstly, my virtues. Well, I can honestly say patience is not one. My patience to an average human (aka strangers) and acquaintances is a maximum 0-3 which also means, if I disliked any actions/thing, it immediately will trigger me. For people I dislike, naturally is a -5, on brighter days maybe a 0. Everything they do triggers me. Yes, I am easily triggered and yes, I am high maintenance. Close friends and family, it is between a 15-25, and that is the maximum I tolerates. So, patience is not my virtue.
Honesty. To me, lying is not a huge ass deal, I mean I lie too. Everybody does at one point of their lives; be it white lies, for good or for bad. But when given a chance to say the truth at critical times, one should.



For the fact that I have acknowledged myself as a female, I am very very very super critically sensitive and emotional and more so attention seeking wise. *Damn, finally got it out* My hormones run my emotions like a drastic roller coaster ride 24/7 and the mood graphs usually have no stagnant or visible pattern to conclude. yes, it is THAT bad. As a female, no matter in which mood, I really hate when people invade us with logic, logical facts and answers to our existence. Like I know facts and these logic but I am a female, and I have my own reasons for acting like this, and even if our reasons seems illogical compared to the real facts, I still think I am correct. And henceforth, the phrase 'females is always right' is born.



Relationships, yeah let's talk about these. Family, friends and people.
Everybody have a natural schema about everything, be it their friends, family or things like example, a refrigerator or a microwave. What is a schema? It is a structural organizational or a pattern of something, aka what that role does that thing/person plays according to you, aka your point of view of the role they play on a particular thing or person. For example, to some people step mothers are evil, to some step mothers are no different than normal mothers, these are schema.
To me, my schema about families are that they do not have a choice but to accept you as a family, whether they love you, is optional not mandatory. Respect, is similar.

Schema about friends; they are no different than that of a stranger, except that you know their name and a little more about them, enough to say hi, smile and bye to. Schema of a close friend; able to talk to, knows things about you, is there when you need them, know them for some time. Schema of a best friend; people that knows most to everything about you, from the darkest times to the brightest, there for you when you needed them, make time for you even when they are awfully packed and booked, have your back no matter who it is, people you can let down your mask in front of, people that you know strongly that will be there emotionally, physically and mentally.



My schema about adults is a bit like how a child that used to believe in Santa Claus feels. To me, adults bring disappointments, misery and every other negative thing that I thought being an adult would grow out of. But adults are people too, just grown ones, they like us, children did not receive a manual on how to act, behave like an adult. Just because they lived longer than us, we, I thought they are like superheros (you know, being legal and stuff), they can drive, can drink, can come home late. But honestly, i now feel they are as clueless as they are about life, as we are and they were now. Just with a little more life experience in dealing with crap so is upgraded to dealing with higher level of crap.



But at the end of the day, these are nothing but labels to someone who doesn't care or shares the same opinion as me. It is also a mutual kind of thing; for example you cannot expect someone that does not believe in distance to be someone's close or best friend when clearly, the other party does. A schema of a role can change, but there are things that can't and won't.



Similarly, a person can change according to his or her own experiences and what he or she encounters. Never think you know a person too much, for all you know, you do not know her one bit.