In need of maintenance

 Dear Magic

I don't know what is happening to me and around me. It is like my world lost its meaning. I do not know what I needed to do, who I needed to be. I only know that I am suppose to act my age, do what is needed and asked to do, be strong, be independent. However, as much as I would like to, I am lost. It feels like the colors of my world starts to peel away one by one, and with the meanings of it went as well. 

What did I wanted to do. If this is a depressive stage relapsing, it is pretty scary because it is not sudden, but gradual and bits and pieces just fades. It's like you looking forward to eating an ice cream the entire week, but when you can see the ice cream, you suddenly do not know what to do with it. And even if someone gave you one, instead of indulging that icy goodness you looked forward too, you just throw it away without even touching it.

I do not know what is wrong. I just feel overwhelmed, by what I have no idea. I am just sad and/or afraid. Like I want to burst into tears and give it a big powerful sob and get on with life, but I cannot even cry out, I can tear up but that is it. I don't like this feeling. I don't like feeling like this. I really really don't like what is happening to me. I am trying my hardest to keep it together yet I feel the more pieced together I try to be, the more broken I feel. 

Nobody is able to help me. Apparently because I myself do not even know what the problem is, so how does anyone help me. This feeling is so alone, uninterested in doing anything but makes me mentally and emotionally worn out. I feel so useless, worthless and that I cannot amount to anything, Just very lost. This time, I have not need to push people away, as they naturally just distanced themselves from me. Too much negative energy, I apologize for that.

I guess I need to close down for maintenance.

永远 Forever

你曾经想过永远是什么样的呢？Have you ever wonder about the likeliness of forever?

是不是像儿时和大人曾经承诺长大后的样子? Was it the promises you make with the adults about growing up when you were a child? 

是不是上学时和老师讨论以后的梦想？Was it the career paths you discussed with the teacher during the time when you were schooling?

是不是单身时幻想未来的恋爱经过？Or was it the time when you were single and ponder about the probabilities of your relationship fantasies becoming real?

看似无关联系的种种种种都和时间牵扯着，如果知道有永远的时间，你还会需要考虑与幻想吗？All these examples I gave does not seems to correspond to the topic of 'forever', but they are linked by time. If there is a forever, would all these thoughts be irrational?

那既然没有永远，别人和你说的 ‘永远’ 又有何意思? 骗人的吗？什么 ‘永远爱你’ ，‘永远一起’，‘永远恨你’。But since there is no forever, so what does it mean when someone mentions the word 'forever' to you? Are they just all lies? 'I will love you Forever', 'forever together', 'i hate you forever'. 

不一定是，可能只是一个夸张的表示罢了。Not necessarily, it may just be an exaggerated form of expression.

但都知道，永远 目前不存在， 而且 永远 真的很远。But as everybody knows, forever, at this point, does not exist and it is very very farfetched.

大家应该珍惜现在，也珍惜和你说 ‘永远’ 的人。毕竟不是每一个人都能让他人用永远这个词，因为 ’永远‘ 是一种承诺。But Everybody should cherish the now and cherish the people who uses the word forever when speaking to you. For not everybody is willing to gave you such a promise.

以后，明天，未来 都肯能不先到，但永远从这一刻开始。

现在，今天，立刻，马上 会先到，其他的 以后，明天，未来 在说吧。

如果我能拥有永远，我希望我家人们都能身体健康万事如意，每天都开开心心的快乐的幸福的，而我能永远做他们的开心果.

Evil Numb Little Bugs

Dear magic

I just have some thoughts and feelings that I want to release, please bear with gloomy Jar for a bit. 

I want to write an indirect letter to some people. One is someone who I thought was a friend yet, kept disappointing me, the other is a figure I once look up to but too, disappointing. I guess my judgement in people really sucked. The more I think about it, the more I feel that it isn't worth it. But here's me and my 'angels' screaming in my face that I care but, I do feel that none of the situations involved, evolved and/or happened is my fault and the fact is, it isn't my fault, so why am I involved?

To unknown personnel(s)

Things happened for a reason and that reason is what oneself needs to find out. Not go around involving others into your pile of crap but dealing with the actual crap yourself. If you feel that you are not the reason of why things happen, then you probably should ask yourself why are you involved. 

Be it a relationship with someone, an addiction or being just desperate and lonely; if it is a personal issue, deal with it by yourself or talk to someone about it, not go around making the problem bigger just because you want to know what they will do on your behalf. It is not fair for others to be included in your nonsense and if you realized that it is indeed your fault causing a bigger issue, own up to it WILLINGLY, not act like someone forced you to do so.

There is a clear difference between irritation and being offended. Just putting it out there.

Also, it is common etiquette to not direct feelings meant for another onto someone else. For e.g. if I am upset that my pet dog pooped in my favorite shoes, I shouldn't redirect my upset onto my mum. This is pretty elementary if you ask me, in relationship there is something called a rebound and it is not right(ish), which also means that the affection you have for person A should not be why you date person B just because person A turned you down for whatever reason. If that is really the case, then you should reason with whomever why person A turn you down and not going around ranting about person B to person CDE, about person C to person BDE, so on and so forth.

It is really weird that I need to spoon-feed this really common knowledge kind of logic to people older than me. It is also the same common sense as when you owe someone money, it is only in your best courtesy to pay the person back. It is already bad enough that the lender have to open their mouth to ask for the money back and yet, people is still thick-skinned enough to give excuses upon excuses to delay paying the money back. Why guys, why? I feel quite distraught that people have to reinforce such common sense time and again and yet, the information does not process in their heads.

Due to experience and my speechlessness, I realized how petty I can be. Salty, in Singaporean slang. There is a lot I want to say to the unknown personnel(s) directly and privately but, it is becoming clearer and clearer that none of them is worth it, no matter how much they did for me. It's not that I am unappreciative or ungrateful to what they have done, but because the same feelings does not seemed to reciprocate. I thought we were close but when something happen, they didn't even hesitate before throwing me into the fire. For one, I am the least important link and the other, I am just a connection. Plus honestly speaking from the core of my heart, I already turned a blind eye to many circumstances and situations. 

Lastly, I just want to say, mentally I am exhausted trying to keep up with the 'even if the sky falls, I will still be able to shoulder' profile. Physically... I am always physically tired, no surprises there. Why is Jar always the first to be sacrificed? Why do I always get forced to be 'the bad guy'?

Sincerely, Jar

Honestly, I just want to speak my mind to all these 'unknown personnel(s)' but realizing that I am making the first move to speak my mind, would already meant that I gave in. But I am not so immature to leave things at a hold, at the same time,  it seems immature to keep up with the 'silent war'. Very contradicting and much conflicting. Mainly I am just confused to what I should do to 1. not look like the 'bad guy' based on what I choose to do and 2. to be the better person when emphasizing that I am the not the rebound of their negative feelings.

In my dreams

 In my dreams, which was so vivid

The you and the me was so different

I could speak words there that I couldn't here

And the you there would listen

In my dreams, it was just us both

In a place somewhere I don't know

with my clothes outside a mall

And a bus that carry us there

In my dreams, you bought me a game

to play with my brother

that was supposed to come with a system

but it didn't

In my dreams, I think I lost my temper

at you but was fired at the shop keeper

which couldn't give me a proper answer

and I told you this was the real me you didn't knew

In my dreams, you were close to tears

seeing my true self and learning

about who I am, blaming yourself

for you didn't see the girl that came out of you

In my dreams, you didn't judge

nor reprimand or deny me

you listened and I spoke all that I couldn't

I was angry and you finally listened

In my dreams, I didn't care

on whether you would accept me

or could live with your conscience of being blind

but I threw out what I held inside me

In my dreams, everything about me

from my conditions to my medications

to how I feel about you and our relationship

coming down to 'I really hated you'

In my dreams, you were a coward

I was a self indulged brat that lashed out

all my confusions, complications and conflicts in me

and all you could say was sorry that you couldn't see

But in this reality, you are still very kept in the dark

unknown to what I feel and how I feel

unknown to who I am truly 

because I was the coward that didn't know how to speak

In this reality, I may have thought of hating you

on the whys you brought me into this world

and how you are unable to see my pain

but I know I'm not easy, not in the least

In this reality, what I think you know

is that I really do love you

more than you think 

and my pain couldn't compare to the smile upon your face

In this reality, I thank you

for being the person I know and love

from being the first human I open my eyes to 

to the one that ends every call with a "love you"

In this reality, I'm contented

in fact, I am blessed

though it's better if you knew

it may be better if you don't

Please continue to love me like you do, mum.

Love, Mklfpy

Tame and Conditions

Dear Magic,



When I was younger, my parents used to praise and compliment me when I did something good and scold or beat me when I did something bad. So when I grew up, I often feel disappointed that when I did something for someone or do as they ask, they did not compliment or praise me, but when I do not do as told, I still got punished respectively. 

You know when I stopped crying, I thought I was getting better. However, that might not be the case when I figured, I could not get out of bed anymore and I can't sleep nor wake up. My fingers tremble even without the (prescribed) drugs I use to take, and I am trying too hard to not have suicidal thoughts. I thought I was getting better because my abdominal area does not hurt as much anymore, but I guess not. Maybe it is just due to one illness overpowering another.

I am trying not to say that I am depress anymore, and to do that I let go of things and people, telling myself if they want to come back, they will if fate allows. I use substitute words like 'sad', 'upset', 'conflicted', 'confused', etc. I see different people and try to understand how they look at themselves. I talk to people about 'what ifs' and scenario based questions and try to understand how they would stand in different positions. 



I recently caught up with C, and talked to her. I did not really explain anything about myself and she said that it was fine as she knows that if I really wanted to rant or say anything, I will, be it to her or anybody else. C also mentioned that she understands that when people tends to be at their lowest, talking or any form of people interaction its their least concern and last priority. I agreed, for the simple fact that if I want to tell someone about something I will. Willingly, when the time is right.



But that is not the point. I am not trying to blame anyone or pinpoint/indirect anybody and least of all, I am definitely not trying to worry anybody or tell them to feel the way I feel and/or felt or even understand it, because don't. 



I remember asking C what was it like to lose someone important. Her response was not what I expected but truthful enough, "oh, I lost too many people to feel any indifferent about each one that leaves, I mean it hurts then but slowly (I) got better". Then I told her, "But each person to each one of us means differently, it will hurt differently because of how close each one of them is to us individually". She agreed. 



I've lost many people in my life as well; Best Friends, close friends, friends, colleagues, acquaintances, family even myself. However the worst, isn't losing a person, it is losing a true heart, a belief, a dream and/or a wish. 



'I'm sorry', it is simple enough, so why don't people say it? So why don't I say it? This enlightenment also comes from C; if someone want to apologise, they should do it willingly and not because of reasons like long-term relationship, etc. Nobody should expect or request it when the other party isn't ready. They will say it when the time is right and when they are ready. At least I am writing it here to tell myself that. They should do it only when they want to, willingly, and when they truly feel as the words meant.



And I do, yet I cannot say it still. I guess I shall be considerate for the last time.
Also most, or rather all, of the things I post here (on my blog) are what I try to tell myself or just throw it out there to rant like a diary and a self-motivational book. Just treat it as I found a tree hole to bear and bury my thoughts, feelings and myself. Be it positives or negatives.

I do realised that when I say I 'push' people away from me, I don't actually push (maybe I'm wrong). It's more of, me pulling myself away from people, putting a distance between us.



 I am working on myself now, not doing anything else, not because I'm depress or lazy, and  definitely not asking for sympathy (though it does not hurt to have a bit of TLC and love). No reason. I am working on myself, so that when people I lost comes back whether they want or do not, a better me will invite them (with open arms) without them having to feel negatively because of me (if they do).



I'm sorry to myself; the 5ams, the 2pms, the lost interests, the lost dream and ambition, my friends, my lover. Myself. 

Thank you 
C for coming out with me time after time and just being there.
S for being concern and worried for me and trying to ask me out for ice creams. 
A for enduring everything and all that I am till now and for everything else.

XOXO. But I really love sparkles and fairy lights.

Conflicted little Raincloud

Dear Magic,

"There are chords in the hearts of the most reckless that cannot be touched without emotions." - Edgar Allen Poe

And I am distracted by the cute gif of my rain cloud. But mind you, my rain clouds are neither cute nor little. 

When I am depressed, it felt like time stopped for me. Like I stopped dead in my tracks and yet, the world just keeps on going. Like it does not have a care and of course, I am just a small fry in an ocean of unknowns. 

“我珍愛的人，我遠遠的看過他一眼。他在遠方，還在光芒的中央，那麼耀眼，那麼完整。可在我不知道的地方，他被打碎過。我更不知道，他在深夜裡，是怎樣的痛過，又是怎樣將自己，一片一片地找回來，拼成完整的耀眼的樣子。現在我走近了，終於看到了他滿身的裂痕。” - 以家人之名，李尖尖。

.

Translate: " The person I cherish, I have seen him from a distance. He is far away, still shining brightly in the center, so dazzling, so complete. But in places I didn't know, he was broken. I don't even know how much he suffered in the middle of the night, how much pain he went through, and how he pick himself up piece by piece and put it together presenting the complete and dazzling appearance I know him for. Now I got closer and finally saw the cracks all over his body."

I know everybody have their own responsibilities, troubles and stress stimulants that can or cannot be avoided, similarly I have my own. But to be constantly understanding and accepting everybody's circumstances, I really need to voice out that that is very very exhausting. As much as I dislike being tied down, I'm being tied down by a lot of things and I guess that is why I have habits of pushing people away and thinking that everything that can be built or was built is just another 'delete' button away. 

But I am also very conflicted. It is the people whom are closer, that is weighing on me. The reasons I want them to leave my life, are the same exact reasons why they are close to my heart.

Conflicted; because as much as I want to push everybody far away, I wanted people to notice my pain and suffering when I cry myself to sleep night after night.



Conflicted, conflicted, conflicted.

I never thought that one day I'd be such an ironic person. One minute appreciating the fact that there are people treating me as a priority in their lives and the next minute, feeling depressed as the treatment is too much for me to handle. It is not that I am ungrateful, like I said I appreciates it, really however, when you see that they could have placed someone more deserving of that 'position' yet, you are throned there. And that is not all. When I am 'throned' that high up, I can see, that though there are others thirsting for my place, the treatment was the same, so why classify? 
"With great power comes with great responsibilities" is it not?

A recent fight with a loved one made me realised that I have been suppressing a lot of myself, and that the people who thought they knew me, even the close ones, could not have. For I myself did not know me, what an ugly inside I have. I am someone who tries to be understanding and accepting yet, holds an unjust feeling in herself. I do not want to be understanding and just accepts every possible and choice-less reasons, logical and cannot be helped, yes I know but I do not want to accept. I often say things to be understanding and go with flow but, what I really want, even till the end it slips my mind because I am being understanding. I am really selfish and honestly, even after all of these comes out of me, at the end of the day, I am still going to continue my act of being understanding. It is just to get it out of my system.




Someone once told me that it only takes 14 days to build a habit, but it may just takes 1 day to break it. I've been acting on values and virtues that I thought people who love me for, for longer than I remember and yet, one feeling of unjust, unfairness tipped my long-built empire to ashes. Depression is an old friend, relapse is also not that serious of an issue to me anymore, but the   fallen kingdom conflicting between my beliefs, values, virtues and myself are innerly devastating.

How can I learn to smile again?

Breathing under water

Dear Magic,

Hi.

It's been way too long. Many things changed but there are also things that did not, like my 3am night skies and the blue butterflies on my closet. There are some things I wanted to get it out of my systems and I could not find a way how, so like I often do, I write it out and here's me writing.

An average person with good health can hold their breath under water for approximately 30seconds to 2minutes and it takes about 10minutes without oxygen in somebody's body for that person to be declared braindead. But I felt like I've been breathing underwater for years and years. Other than it being surreal, was my fantasy of being special, not just unique, but special. That life was not just about being a mermaid or gaining supernatural powers of being able to breathe under water, but the fact that it submerged the idea and thought that I could be drowning myself thinking it was bliss and happiness. I am starting to see myself for who I really am, not that I don't get daily reminders not to be her.

It is that harsh collision when something that meant that importantly to yourself, caused ripples to waves refracting the very reflection under the water surface, making it looks like in hand euphoria instead of a pandemonium in your heart. However, this is just a wake up call:

That very hole you created in your heart, has always been there. 

It is still the same; dark and razing everything that seems to be of glee. I tried controlling it yet, the tiniest of things sparks it off. Every thing is messy and confusing and I know exactly what the problem is, but I am too stubborn and headstrong to even let it be solved. I preferred to act as if the explosion at the walls of the dams never happened, though everyone else including myself can't accept it to be so. There is a lot of distraught and anxiety and it is looking at 2 selves fighting against one another. Still I will not let it slip, I would be too selfish otherwise, and instead I let the water run over my head, drowning others while I breathe under. I know it is my fault causing people I care/cared about worry and feel distress about it. Someone I love thought that it is because I am not happy and blamed his incapabilities. Someone I know thought that it was because of something she said. Whether or not I agree, they are doubting themselves already, they are in the water that the explosion let out. They may or may to drown, it is their resolve but if the explosion did not happen, I will be drowning, in air.

It is egoistic both ways and I chose to run away. Me breathing underwater was just a bubble I created for myself for the mess that I caused and I popped everybody else's, so I can run away. How 'honourable'. 

There is 2 sides (not a typo) of me wanting to come out at the same time; a refracted, a reflected and there's me. It is very chaotic, irrational, illogical and overall, I am just very very confused. Especially when all their feelings overwhelms me, leaving me no plan B or an escape route; a dissonance in myself.

Magic,

many things happened after you left. Everybody still misses you especially your dear parents. Things may not have been well for them but they are working hard. And to conclude this, what's wrong is just basically, I'm over my head thinking I can breathe under water.

Love, Jar.

An insomniac night

Dear Magic

Well, I have written that I have insomnia before so it should come with no surprise, but I am feeling kind of poetic.

Nowadays I do manage to fall into slumber in the late of night, specifically 3ams. 3am used to be when my mind and thoughts grew ablaze with many 'what ifs' and 'what could happens'. 3am used to be about poetries and music of all kind celebrate the birth of a star and illustrate the sky and my head with perfect stories. 3am is when everyone is asleep and the peace and serenity seeps in through the open windows singing lullabies that make people reminisce their day and their happy memories over and over.



I often wonder if I was from a different timezone as compared to my folks during these late nights, for I can never fall right to sleep the moment my head touches the pillow or sleep at an exact timing no later then 12am. But I guess there is no blaming anyone that they fall asleep, missing the beautiful symphony the night sky and serenity come together to orchestrate. The shades of a star lit nights, hoping that Peter Pan is watching. The beauty of a silent street, breaking apart all the negative aspects of life brought on by the eyes and mouths of another. The calmness of an uncrowded mind, bringing peace and stringing thoughts into proper sequence. 

I am proud to be an insomniac, I am not saying it is a good thing that I have insomnia but I do embrace having one. Maybe a tad panda-eyed, but other than that, I do not find it an issue. I found the peace and quiet that most people needed but could not find, because it do not exist in the day but, at night when all is asleep, unconscious in their perfect dream world, and I am seemingly the only one that I feel with my senses that exist. There are some people who enjoyed the light and fear the dark. I respect that, but I love the dark, for there are things in the light that are much scarier than what another fears in the dark. 

I guess this is where I will stop writing. I am just sharing an insomniac story of her night to you.

I miss you Magic.

Love you. XOXO, Jar

Dreams and its meaning

Dear magic,

Its been a while since I have last wrote to you. Today I am writing to you about the dreams I am having recently, but by saying that I have a lot of dreams lately would also meant that recently, I haven't been sleeping well.

All my dreams are weird, just informing you in advance.

The first dream I want to share with you is about some river village and its tribe. 

So apparently, my childhood friend Ivy and I were cruising the river village on a big canoe with the tribe's people sailing it. I can't recall the reason why we are there in the first place but somehow we were invited/summoned there to save the tribe. yes, SAVE. Because, Ivy have superpowers! She's apparently a witch with psycho-telekinesis powers like the Jean Grey in X Man. And, she is not alone. She have a group of people that have powers in her team as well. 

Me? Do I have powers?

I don't know. From what I remembered... Well, I don't remember. But that dream slowly escalated and I went from one dream to another. 

The second dream.

It happened on a train. Like a huge railway train, or in Singapore's reference, an MRT. I was in the train with my friend whom I know since primary school but was not close to until secondary school, Leaf (Nickname) and was going to a not-so-close friend's birthday. The both of us was sitting side-to-side in the empty cabin and suddenly Leaf's friend pushed a cart from typical supermarkets over to her. Inside of the cart was filled with her primary and secondary school stuffs, and the friend after passing it to her, she disappeared into the next cabin. On the train, even though our cabin was empty, we could see into other cabins and saw many of our common friends from secondary school. There was people that I was closed to and missed dearly, there were people that I am not so closed to and there was one that we (Leaf and I) were closed to but isn't anymore longer. There were a lot of people we saw from different cabins and we all alighted at the same stop to proceed to the same place; the birthday party. 

These 2 dreams, I did not wake up or anything, these 'two' dreams that are completely not related is one huge dream that I had, so maybe my powers in the first dream is teleportation or diverting into another universe(?). 

The last dream, 

was about some VVVVVVVVVVIP spa resort looks like a high-classed chalet or the resort at Maldives. The interior was spacious and classy and in the building I was located, there are only 2 rooms. the facilities are like a walk away and the walk is gorgeous, I will need to walk through 2 display pools. Display pools are basically pools for display. The building that I arrived to is the location for spa, pool and karaoke amenities. I can't really remember the details of who I meet and what I did, but I recall me running around a lot meeting people. I made many friends and had fun with them in totally platonic ways. The ambience and the environment was literally a dream in a dream. To push the dream even more unrealistic is that, there were many guys that were pursuing me in the dream. But none of which I recognised in real life so thats that, or my dream telling me that it is impossible. *sweats smile* It was a fun dream and one which I would like to see if the place do really exist in reality because that'd be so cool.

Dreams have different meaning to each element that one can or cannot remember.

At least that what I believe in. Different people have different explanations for the dreams one dreams of like e.g., missing something, reminder, warning or others. For me, I like to believe that each aspect in a dream represent something in daily life about oneself. 

Dream One. 

Childhood friend: If your friend in your dream is your friend in waking life, then this person is on your mind.

Superpowers: To have superhuman powers in a dream reflects waking life feelings of confidence to succeed in achieving a goal, even against great obstacles.

Water (river): water is a universal symbol for emotions; my river was calm and peaceful but cloudy which means lack of emotional clarity and fear of contamination.

Tribe: Tribe in a dream means you have discovered a secret in waking life.

Village: My village was on water; having a village near water indicates one is creative, comfortable with emotions and invites happiness into one's life.

Dream Two.

Train: Trains in dreams signify attempts to reach significant destinations in out lives-such as career or romantic goals along a predictable track.

Train cabin: The cabins in the trains indicates the behaviours of one protecting him/herself in waking life.

Friend I have travelled with: Indicates separation.

The people I meet on the train(recognised): indicates that one holds emotions for these people.

Birthday: Dreaming of a birthday foretells a calm period in your life.

Let's break down my dreams (1 & 2) 

Dream 1:

• Childhood friend: My childhood friend left for Korea to study for a month so I've been thinking about her.
• Superpowers: I met with some issues at work and I am determine to resolve it, since I am getting the hang of it.
• Water & Tribe: I recently discovered someone's secret and is quite disgusted by it, feeling of ratting out to an authoritative figure, but refused to stoop that low and be involved in it further. 
• Village: I think this is what most people wants so it is kind of self-explanatory

Dream 2:

• Train: Like I mention meeting a obstacle in my career path but determine to overcome it to reach a certain destination.
• Train cabins: endearments to my friends.
• Friend I have travelled with: She's going somewhere for a vacation
• The people I meet on the train: Misses
• Birthday: I hope so.

I shan't break down my last dream. But you can see that a simple dream can mean so much and it does not mean everything in the dream is related. Probably the only thing related in the dreams and it's elements is that each one of it is relevant to the person in their waking life. So this is also why most dreams are not the same and also why I find dreams interesting. There are many different explanations for each element, just believe and pick the one that relate to you the most after all, you are the star of your own dream, even if you aren't in it.

Anyways Magic, I won't ask how are you or where you are, because I believe you are well taken care of wherever you are because you were the best that we every loved. Also, Annabel had me convinced that you are in VVVVIP heaven suite. I just hope you are happy wherever you are and, even just a little bit, do have the time to miss us. 

I love you so much boy, and miss you so much too.

Xoxo